I am going to get a little more personal than usual in this post, but my book review on Thursday touches on this topic so it’s time to get it out in the open, despite my general blahness about talking about it. (It’s not a secret, but I just haven’t wanted to get into my complicated feelings about the whole thing, I guess.)
Anyways, I am expecting my second child, a boy, at the end January! We are excited, but also kind of terrified. Life with a toddler is so intense that it is hard to imagine bringing a newborn into this situation.
I expected to be more excited about this pregnancy than I was with my first as a lot of my anxieties from the first time around are lessened. I’m less worried about childbirth. I’m less worried about everything going wrong (I mean, nothing will go exactly how I expect, but I know that and can deal). I’m less worried about caring for a baby. I managed to make it through all that stuff before. Instead of not worrying at all, I just worry about different things. I worry about losing myself or my marriage in the neverending demands of two small children. I fear I will never sleep again. I worry that I am not good enough with even one child to be good with two (thank you, weekend of massive toddler breakdowns, for this anxiety). I worry I just don’t have enough time, energy, love, me to give to another person. I worry I am not “enjoying” what will probably be the last pregnancy of my life and am just letting it slip by.
This second pregnancy is just so different from the first. It’s not the entire scope of my attention and it mostly just feels like an inconvenience, an obstacle getting in the way of everything I need to do to take care of my daughter and the house. It’s not that I won’t enjoy having a baby around again or that I won’t enjoy seeing my daughter become a big sister (she is totally baby-obsessed right now, so I think this will tickle her pink) or that I know I won’t eventually adjust to this big major life change. It’s more that, I know how to be a mom, but I don’t know how to be a mom of two. And not knowing is always a scary thing for me. It’ll be ok, but until then I’m going to worry. That is the (somewhat annoying) way I handle things.
To bring it back around to this blog and books, I have no idea if once this baby comes, I will ever find it in me to blog, but I figure I will come back around eventually (I always do), even if just for some meme that looks ridiculously fun. I surely will continue reading and updating Goodreads because I can do both those things with handheld technology (score!) and I know that I will have some quiet time on maternity leave to binge on fluffy books and even fluffier TV shows. Just remind me to not read 10 Stephanie Plum books in a row on maternity leave this time, ok, guys?